Discontent

These last 8 months have been incredibly hard. One of the hardest things I have had to get through. And for my life story that is saying a lot. They say that God challenges the strong but he never gives you things you can't handle. For these last months I've been trying to convince him that he got the wrong person. My strength has been severly tested and at times nonexistant. Its a scary place to be because there are so many factors to having a trial in your life. Its easy to feel ashamed in your hurt. Scary to feel weak. People are very quick to want to fix you and make you better. And after a certain amount of time others think that you should just be "fine". I struggled with finding just the right person to lean on. When He was there waiting to be talked to. People always say "bring your problems to God".That is easier said then done I'll tell you that right now. I haven't mastered it but I have found that this was the best way for Him and I to become closer. I'm so thankful for the people in my life who carry God with them where they go and talk to me about Him.

I'm slowly starting to open my eyes and see that I've been in this dungeon of self loathing and disease. Its hard to admit but its very easy to feel sorry for yourself when something happens to you. You all of the sudden feel content in your misery. You think everyone else has it better and you got the short end of the stick. I have witnessed things that others have gone through that I couldn't imagine. They held their heads high and took it like a champ. Never letting it get them down. I admire those people. It wasn't until a little while ago that I started feeling discontent. I had a long list of things that needed to get done and not enough time to do them. People to call back, favors to return, love to give and apologies to be made.

The feeling of being discontent is actually a blessing. It gets you off your butt and a up to doing something productive to better yourself or something around you. I'm glad I'm feeling unsettled. It means things are where they should be and happiness is within reach.

The Holy Pain

I finished my 10 week divorce support group last night. It was very bitter sweet. It was great to be able to look at a specific individual and see how strong and wise they have become in the last couple months. On the other hand it was sad to say goodbye to the people I have cried with and shared my deepest fears and hurts with. I know I will see some of them again. Bonds like that don't just disappear.

Chris Miller is the man that was in charge of leading this support group. He is amazing. Incredibly wise and full of first hand knowledge of pain and recovery. He wrote an autobiographical book that I can't wait to start reading this weekend. It is called The Holy Pain. This is what it says on the back:

It is one of mankind's most urgent pursuits to find purpose in our pain. Hopelessness and despair springs not so much from the pain itself but from the lack of a reason behind it...the very futility of our suffering. It is this search for meaning that has spawned Mothers Against Drunk Driving, the Amber Alert and thousands of legislative proposals and social organizations. What if, though, there was a purpose for our pain that goes beyond the temporal, beyond the here and now, to an eternal purpose that will endure beyond time and space?

C.S. Lewis stated, "God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." It is this purpose, how we can actively listen to God for the meaning in our pain, that Dr. Miller addresses in the book.

Daily Soul Food

My first day out of school. Time to relax. I tried planning some fun activities for us today but they fell through. I thought I'd make up for it by taking Thomas to get some ice cream on this 90 degree day. He had a melt down for and unknown reason and I couldn't get him out the door. Now that both kids are napping I've decided to give myself a break. So today I am going to catch up on my DVR shows and enjoy a tasty treat.

Pigtails, play dates and stats

My friend Jenelle and I got our kids together and had a little play date. Her son is 9 days older then Mackenzie. We call them Bruce and Rosie (from Look Who's Talking 2). We think they are identical

I put Kenzie's hair in pigtails again. I haven't done it for a while because I wanted to let her hair grow out a little more. Jenelle and I were laughing so hard we were crying. Her antennas are a little off :)

I took her to the doctor today for her checkup. She is 27" tall and weighs 18lbs 8 oz. She is in the 75th percentile for her weight and height. She gonna pass up Thomas here pretty soon.

Update on us

I've decided to not only keep you informed on the kids lives but to add myself in the updates as well. Hope you don't mind :)

Thomas:

Has periods where he is really well behaved and super cute and other periods where he is...not. It usually changes every couple months. Lucky for me, its one of the good times. He will come up to me just to give me a hug and kiss. He's so loving and sweet even to Mackenzie. He likes to give her toys and help me feed her. He talks, or should I say rambles all day. I can make out a few words here and there but it usually just sounds like Japanese to me. His new favorite words are alligator, stinky poo, yay, hi, wow, cool, bye, "ready set go" and giraffe. He is starting daycare tomorrow. I think it will really help his social skills (he is so shy) and will really help his learning. He is able to recognize numbers and can usually tell me what they are when I point to them. I am going to introduce the potty to him in a few weeks (after he has gotten used to daycare). I am so nervous about potty training! I got his a "Potty Power" video to watch and he loved it. I'm also reading "Potty Training for Dummies" so wish us luck. If you have any suggestion please please let me know! He had his 2 year check up today. He weighs 25 lbs and is 2' 9" tall. (And he pushed the "EMERGENCY" button in the elevator both times we got in!)

Mackenzie:

She is beautiful :) She is rolling over both ways and has figured out that if she keeps rolling she can get from point A to point B. She sits up very well but I still need to keep something around her cause she falls randomly. She got both of her bottom teeth last week and has been SUPER crabby since then. She wakes up a few times a night, so we haven't been getting the best sleep lately. She had her MRI and she did very well. Her dr. checkup was also last month. She weighs 17 lbs 6oz and is 2' 2" tall.

Me:

I am starting school tomorrow! I'm going back to school to get my esthetician license. I only have 50 hours to complete the course. It should only take me about 2 weeks. I'm extremely nervous to get back into the working world. I know it will be great to get out of the house and to start doing something for myself. I think the hardest part of all of it is putting the kids in daycare. Again, it will be good in the long run but I know that these next few days/weeks are going to be tough. I've also been going to a divorce support group. Before I started going I pictured it being a bunch of people sitting in a circle "Hello! My name is Trinity and I'm a divorcée." Although, it wreaks of burnt coffee and broken hearts its been extremely helpful. As much as everyone has tried to help me its been nice to sit in a room full of people mourning their own marriages as well. I've really been able to work through all the emotions and I'm starting to feel some real improvement.

MRI

For those of you who don't know, Mackenzie's doctor has been suggesting we do an MRI scan on her lower lumbar area since she was born. She has a dimple at the bottom of her spine that they couldn't see the base of. So they thought she might have some spinal issues that would have only been able to be corrected by surgery.

So we went in today and had her MRI done. I was so nervous. But she was AWESOME! She didn't cry once. They gave her anesthesia with a mask and once she was asleep they gave her an IV. After the scan she came right out of her deep sleep ready to eat. But looking a little drunk.

The doctor called 4 hours later with the good news: SHE'S PERFECT! (I already knew it)

Wheel

"Wheel" by John Mayer

People have the right to fly

And will when it gets compromised

Their hearts say "Move along"

Their minds say "Gotcha heart"

Let's move it along

Let's move it along

And airports

See it all the time

Where someone's last goodbye

Blends in with someone's sigh

Cause someone's coming home

In hand a single rose

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now

That's the way this wheel keeps working now

And I won't be the last

No I won't be the last,

To love her

And you can't build a house of leaves

And live like it's an evergreen

It's just a season thing

It's just this thing that seasons do

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now

That's the way this wheel keeps working now

And you won't be the first

No you won't be the first

To love me

You can find me, if you ever want again

I'll be around the bend

I'll be around the bend

I'll be around,

I'll be around

And if you never stop when you wave goodbye

You just might find if you give it time

You will wave hello again

You just might wave hello again

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now

That's the way this wheel keeps working now

You can't love too much, one part of it (repeat then fade)

I believe that my life's gonna see

The love I give

Return to me

I believe that my life's gonna see

The love I give

Return to me

Easter

Jeff came out for Easter weekend, so it was really the first holiday we had to split. My family isn't quite to the point where we can spend time all together yet. It turned out to be ok though. We took the kids to Chucky Cheese's

And to the Aquarium

And to the park

On Easter Sunday the kids opened their Easter baskets and Thomas got his first experience of Easter candy

Then I had to put on their Easter outfits